Indecent Antecedent

Sound and fury, signifying nothing, yadda

Friday, April 28, 2006

Poor foundling.

This poor, poor blog. I know no one reads it, but I started it in a fit of pique over a certain other journally site going wonky on me. Just because the other one is fixed, why leave this one to languish? C'mon, like I'm ever going to get sick of talking about myself? pshah!

There's a lot of freedom in a blog that's relatively unread. There have been times I've thought about telling people - maybe just a few people, maybe just close friends - that I have a more "personal" blog here, away from the constant quizzes and silliness over on LJ. But maybe I like the anonymity. Maybe I like the feeling of whispering my thoughts into nothingness.

If I had any thoughts right now. It's 3:41 p.m. on a beautiful Friday afternoon. Work is slow. I'd like to be anywhere but here. There's a Beltane party to go to tonight, and I think it won't be too chilly to wear my swooshy skirt (though I may have to wear a jacket). I spent too much money today on beautiful crocheted/beaded jewelry, but it's so exquisite. And some of it is for Mom!

Oh Mom, why did you have to be born so near Mother's Day? And why does the Sheep and Wool Festival have to be that weekend also? I just shouldn't be spending money at this point except on necessities, so that I have a bunch saved up for the cruise. The second week of the cruise will be the awesomeist, because I will have paid all my bills before I leave so will get in a paycheck that will be ALL MINE! Well. You know. Mostly.

Things to get better at:
1. Money management
2. Flirtation

The other night I attempted purposeful sexual fantasizing and it didn't work. I think my libido is shrinking out of disuse. Even though that makes a lot of things more convenient, overall I think I would rather that that not happen. More for the to-do list...

Next week I may explode from happiness as there will be two new House episodes, one airing on Wednesday right before a new Lost episode. Oh, the simple pleasures in life...

Friday, February 17, 2006

A title without an exclamation point.

Long time no blog. I think I only appreciate the word "blog" as a verb in an ironic sense. Several times I have found myself thinking, "Man I wish I had one of those t-shirts that says 'I'm blogging this' right now!" And this, I think, indicates that I should take a long mountain vacation with no computers nearby.

But I am not in the mountains on vacation and computers are abundant, so here's the latest thing tickling my cranium: I have to get out of myself a little bit.

Of late, my very close friend who - like me - was a longtime single gal, has taken up with a nice man. She has had rough years, a devastating diagnosis a few years back, readjusting to her new life, stress, pressure that I couldn't even imagine dealing with. Basically if anyone "deserves" to be happy, it's this woman, and it's fantastic that this has come to her.

So why do I keep wanting to whine about it?

I never thought of myself as one of those "it's all about me" people (shut up, I know it's ridiculous writing that in a blog, but work with me here). Much like my mother, I am a martyr. A self-sacrificer. Someone who frequently puts the needs and happiness of others above herself. Rather obscenely, this means that when I get to be all self-sacrificing I feel good. It's weird.

For this particular friend, we have been very close, especially through all her difficulties. In my perverse way, even though it was hard and frustrating not knowing what, if anything, I could do for her, I somehow took pleasure out of being able to be there for her through her pain. I, it turns out, need to be needed, to be depended upon. It makes sense for a martyr; if no one feels reward or relief at your martydom, what's the point? If I deny myself and it fails to make the other person happy/less stressed/less angry/whatever, then I've done it for nothing!

Right, so. Of course I'm a little jealous that she's getting attention from a fella - I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish for something similar myself. But that's a normal reaction. Every girlfriend I've ever had, when they start dating someone, there's that little twinge, a tiny bit of shared ground that isn't shared anymore. But that's the way it goes. And I know that you can get used to that pretty easily, because the vast majority of my friends are happily coupled up and yet I still enjoy their company and am still close to them.

But in some way I feel less needed. It's like this little echoey feeling in my heart. If no one needs me, goes my illogical whining when I give it a voice, like now, what do I matter? I mean, intellectually I realize that's a ridiculous point of view. But emotionally?

I know that in a month or two everything with this friend will have evened out. We'll be relating to each other in a rewarding and fun way after our little status-quo shakeup. But it's made me think about the way I treat my close friendships. I prize them and hold them close to my heart and am loathe to change them. I don't have a ton of close friends (a veritable boatload of acquaintences, but I have room for deep affection for only so many), but the core group has been the same for years, with only minor adjustments. So I see that in the example of this one friend I've learned a little bit about how I get dependent on all my friends. It makes me a little worried, the intimate relationships I've had in the past I have tended to be clingy, and I see a bit of that in my friendships. I don't think of myself as a clingy person. I think of myself as independent and stubborn and very much hoisting-myself-by-my-own-petard. But do I put that mask on for myself because if I don't, I just have to admit how lonely I am sometimes? I sort of celebrate my living-alone loner lifestyle, like, "haha, you guys have to go home and deal with the constant disappointments and compromises of your relationships, and you have to deal with your kids, and I get to do whatever I want, hooray!" Part of me really wants to invite someone in, part of me is scared it will be too hard to make room, part of me is scared I will grab too tightly onto the next person willing to climb in here with me....and most of me has no idea how I'd go about meeting someone to fit any (or none) of those criteria.

But golly, I do love my friends and wouldn't change them for the world. I just wish I felt less like I had to cling to them, and more like I could just sit back and enjoy them.

NB: I am hungry. It is 12:18. I am just counting down to the lunch hour, now.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhog day!

I remember, years back, when two friends and I went to get pierced. Me: helix (upper ear, cartiledgey part), friend1: bellybutton, friend2: also upper ear (I think? this was, like, 1997 and my memory is not perfect).

The reason we picked Groundhog Day was basically that it was a day we were all available. All for one and one for all, all for the pain, something something. We had such a good time going down to the body mod parlor (piercings and tattoos and, I believe, scarification, if you're into that sort of thing), that we declared February 2 should instead be Body Modification Day.

Well, that was a nice idea, but never again have I modified my body on February 2.

Ergo, the temptation to hit the tattoo parlor after work today is pretty strong.

Not really, though. I have to think a while before I pick a tattoo, and I only have so much bodily real estate that I'm willing to give over to this. Maybe if I ever become rich and eccentric and never have to work again, I will expand the area where I'm willing to tattoo myself. But for now, I have to go to an office every day, and stuff. I could get a sleeve and then just wear longsleeve shirts year 'round, but I hate to compromise my comfort in that way. I could get something on the back of my neck and grow my hair out.

But it's that idea. The idea of changing myself, as the world starts to change. Today, I just learned, is also Imbolc and I really liked that idea. The world IS starting to change, and the desire to change with it is strong. The days are getting longer. It seems imperceptible, those first days after solstice, when in fact the day actually stays the same length for a little while. But slowly, slowly, the changes come. I was driving to work this morning when I really noticed the sky, lightening at a time much earlier than it was a month ago. It does good things for my heart.

I won't go get a tattoo today. I don't have an idea in mind, and I have other things I'd rather spend the money on. But I will think about change, at any rate.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Hooray for cats!

I couldn't live without cats. Well, okay. Probably, technically, I could. I did, once. For about three weeks after I moved out of my parents' house, I didn't get a cat, even though I missed my pets at the folks' mightily, because I was going to be going out of town on vacation and I didn't want to get a kitten before then. Well, as it turned out, that didn't happen - circumstances conspired to bring Scully into my life before the vacation. That was 11 years ago and I haven't looked back.

When my brother got married I just figured they'd get a cat. Wasn't that just...what you did? He hadn't had one in graduate school, but he lived in a tiny efficiency (with actual Murphy bed!) so I guess that made sense. But he and my sister-in-law never did. It took my 9-year-old (almost 10!) nephew a few years to wear them down, but now they are the proud owners of Ridgely, a beautiful ginger tabby who is a rescue from Katrina. He has had a few rough months but he will now be the most spoiled cat alive (with my cats probably running a close second). They went out and got all the best cat care supplies and implements. But best of all, he is loved. Even my sister-in-law, never terribly pro-cat before, and my older nephew, who is 13 and affects boredom with nearly all things, have both fallen in love with this cat. I think he's going to be a great addition to the family. Heck, I think he already is!

When I got home and told Scully and Oz that they had a cousin, they were unimpressed. But I was full of warm, good feelings. My bro and SIL had been considering a purebred cat, and frankly, I'm so happy they got a rescue animal instead. Breeding is no guarantee of behavior, only training and love can influence that. And there are so many animals out there that need a home and help! I mean, purebred cats are beautiful and if you want one, go for it. Breed 'em, show 'em, collect 'em, whathaveyou. But just don't forget about all the shelters full of pets with no home.

I think a pet adds a lot to a home and a family. I'm so happy that my nephews will get to grow up with a great cat like Ridgely, and there's something about taking care of an animal that I think prepares you for the world in important ways. Now they can see firsthand what's so great about cats!

This proud and gushing post is enough for now, I have a certain book to finish reading before bookclub tonight.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I am mighty!

I figured out how to set my timestamp to the correct time zone!

I rock!

Trader Joe's on the way home tonight. Pita, hummus, bagels, sinful dark-chocolate covered pretzels. Yes please!

Interpersonal Comfort Zone, now with Attention Whoring!

Blogger is new to me. I am outside my comfort zone. Sure, it's an inconsequential part of my comfort zone, but there you have it. I'm outside it, nonetheless.

I've never felt quite comfortable here.

I suppose we're all creatures of habit, and everyone likes their comfort zone. I know that I'm never going to be one of those people who climbs Mt. Everest or runs a marathon or wins a Nobel Prize, and that's okay. Extraordinary achievement actually makes my palms a little sweaty.

But, I have to wonder to myself, why do I like attention so much? It seems that if I like my quiet comfort zone, I shouldn't find myself clamoring for notice.

I wish I had a direction, or a grand idea, for this blog, but I really really don't. My....other online site is so well-populated by people I know that I feel a little constrained. Like I'm really writing things for an audience, rather than myself. Maybe that's what this blog should be about.

But two blogs! Surely that is overkill. I guess maybe I really AM an attention whore.

Okay, maybe a personal observation. I've learned something about myself recently, or I guess admitted it to myself is the better way of phrasing it. Part one: I need to be needed. Part two, corollary to part one: I can be quite possessive in my interpersonal relationships.

Here's another part of my comfort zone: I know a ton of people, I enjoy mixing and mingling with my acquaintences of all stripes. But I only ever have maybe a half-dozen close friends. The overall group of people I know has shifted across the years, but not so fast as you might think. The close circle of friends changes slowly, begrudgingly - because it's my comfort zone, I don't want to give it up. And of course because I love these people so much, and love that they put up with me, and love their quirks and kindnesses and infinite patience and sense of fun. But if a change comes, I get queasy. "If they get married," I think, in a hypothetical for-instance, "what changes? Where do I fit in?" Will I still get the attention I want, is part of the heart of this. Things that I feel might change my status in another's life make me nervous.

Part of this might be an artifact of my having been single for so very long. I don't have an intimate relationship to maintain, so I cling tightly to the maintenance of my closest friendships.

Over the past few years I have been growing apart from my oldest friend, we've known each other for over 20 years, but the fact of the matter is our lives used to run parallel, and now we're just sort of tangential to each other. (I think I just made a geography metaphor. What the hell is wrong with me?!) I should be able to just let go, I have plenty of other good things going on in my life, but this still pokes into my side like half of one of those little plastic tags the price was on digging into you from your jeans. Or something. Man, I think the geography metaphor was better. Anyway, if friendship were a simple equation, I would be able to do the math - I have been giving much, much more to this friendship for years than she has, therefore I have invested way too much with little to no return and should cut and run. But dammit, she's a person not a sack of cash, and besides... it's messing with my comfort zone.

Well, I think you get my point. If you do, please email me to let me know what it was.

Why?

Do I need a Blogger blog? Don't have I have enough to say elsewhere?

But NOO, I want to read and respond to other Blogger blogs and I hate typing those crooked words. Stupid, crooked, wacky words.

Content? Don't hold your breath...